Friday, October 14, 2011

10 Superheroes I'd Bring Home to Mom (or not)

Let's get this out of the way: I'm a geek. I'm also a girl. Sometimes I like to fantasize about men in tights... with superpowers. *squee!*

Now that I've exposed this tiny secret about myself, I might as well just come clean about everything. After years of reading comic books, playing comic book related video games, and watching midnight showings of Marvel and DC comic inspired movies the night they were released in theatres, well, I've thought about what superheroes would make the ideal boyfriend. Day after day, I would spend endless hours daydreaming as I gazed lackadaisically out the window, picturing my inked hunky heroes springing from the page, console, and movie screen, injecting a lot more excitement into my life.

I'm not crazy - every girl does this.... right?

Anywho, after much consideration and years upon years of research (seriously, I came out of my mother's womb wishing I was an elite member of the X-Men) I've finally decided upon which superheroes I would fancy dating had I the opportunity to do so.

Here we go:

1. Superman

How does his hair always seem so perfectly coiffed?!

Superman is comic book history. Without Superman, the first big comic book superhero, we might not have had Spider-Man, Batman, and all the other delicious eye-candy that came next. That being said, Superman is the ultimate pimp. This dude gets away with everything. One minute he's destroying some baddies, and the next he's back at his job at the Daily Planet and no one's the wiser. As long as his glasses are on, no one suspects a thing. Either the entire world is stupid, or he's super awesome. And how hot is a man in glasses? Super hot. Superman makes my list because not only does he somehow manage to pull off the blue and red jumpsuit (the big S in the middle stands for SEXY!) but he can also leap down the street and buy you flowers during his work shift and no one would know. Plus, if you're ever tired of your surroundings, BAM, Superman can fly you to a pub in Ireland or for an uber romantic moonlit stroll down a Parisian street. That's just awesomesauce right there.

2. Wolverine

Jesus Christ. On second thought, this guy is actually pretty terrifying.

I gotta admit, I've always had a thing for beardy, hairy men in plaid shirts and tight jeans - even before I knew what a hipster was. Add some impressively sculpted sideburns, a wicked sense of humour, some bad boy attitude, a mysterious past.... then a dollop of surprising sensitivity on top of all that, and you have a make-the-knees-weak sundae. Sure, the dude is a little on the short side and has a bit of a Napoleon complex, but we all have our faults. Plus, he's Canadian. Love me some Canadian boys. 

3. Cyclops

It's okay that I can't stare into your eyes - just zap that creepy bug on the ceiling for me :)

When you're thinking about the X-Men, you definitely can't forget Cyclops (seriously, everyone, don't forget about him.) Cyclops has the poise and gentlemanly air of a man about town, but he's definitely not a man of leisure. Something tells me his laser beam superpower would come in handy for opening up troublesome pickle jars. Help around the kitchen is always appreciated. 

4. Thor

I could stare at that er, hammer, for hours. <3

The mighty Thor wields a mighty hammer penis. It doesn't take a psychology course on Freud to comprehend the symbolism behind Thor's mighty... hammer. Clearly the dude is packing. To quote Captain Hammer from Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog, "the hammer is my penis." But a mighty penis does not necessarily make a mighty man. Thor is also so built, so ripped, so full of unadulterated adrenaline and unchecked aggression that he makes Captain America look like Miss America. Plus, he speaks like a Shakespearian actor, and he could give hair tips. What else could a lady want?

5. Mr. Fantastic

Just close your eyes and it won't be so freaky.

He's bendy. 'nuff said.

6. The Thing

Just close your eyes and it won't be so freaky.

He's always hard. 'nuff said.

7. Spider-Man

Ultimate source of sticky stuff; if that's what you're into.

Nerdy, sensitive boys like Mr. Parker have always held a place in my heart. Peter is the kind of man who would always bring you flowers, shyly write you love notes even after a six-year relationship, and never forget to thank you after a smoosh beneath the sheets. Even if he stood you up in favour of going to see his aunt, or saving some kittens stuck up in a tree, it would still be easy to forgive him the moment he flashed his self conscious smile and apologized. Sure, you might have to deal with his goopy stringy web stuff hanging all over the place, but who needs glue when you have web goo everywhere? He'd be the ultimate handyman around the house!

8. Scott Pilgrim

"Hey Scott, my ex really broke my heart. Can you turn him into Super Mario coins now?"

Not only does Scott contain that early twenties swagger, but he's just as much rock star as he is superhero star. He's not too timid to throw your evil ex-boyfriends to the ground in a superhero battle, and then write a rockin' garage song about it. Last guy you dated was a dick? No problem! Scott will take care of him for you! Mwauhaha.

9. Green Lantern

Never be scared of the dark again! (I hope you like green.)

To be honest, I think the guy is kind of a tool. At the same time, he has damn good taste in jewellery. If Hal has a giant mystical ring that can conjure up anything his heart desires, can you just imagine the engagement ring YOU would receive?! Plus, I get scared of the dark sometimes and he always has a lantern, so, you know, it all works out in the end. 

10. Tuxedo Mask

OMG! Girly hard-on! 

I had an enormous crush on this Sailor Moon dude all throughout elementary school. He's dark, he's handsome, he always saves the day. You can count on him to always be there for you. Plus, do you wanna know what his super power is? He throws freakin' ROSES at his enemies. Roses!!!!! You can't get any more romantic than that. 

So, there you have it! My top 10 super dudes I'd get with if getting with it was possible. I'm sure you might not agree with some of my choices, but that's just too bad. I'll have them all for myself... in my mind. 

- Jennie

1 comment:

  1. Yo Neonkiss, Nice write up. I must confess though. I am sorely dissapointed in your omission of both Batman and Dr. Manhattan :P Also, you should do a similar article for game characters. :D @ravstaa