Tuesday, December 7, 2010

My Awesome Teen Crushes from the 80s/90s

Everyone has them - ridiculously embarrassing (yet awesome) crushes from the 1980s/1990s. These were the guys or girls we pined over in our bedrooms while reading our Big Bopper or Tiger Beat magazines. Their youthful faces adorned our bedroom walls and we wrote fan letter after fan letter in the hopes that just maybe they'll recognize our existence and write us back. It went beyond simple swooning - we fantasized about marrying these fresh faced cuties and becoming Mr or Mrs. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Or, maybe, that was just me. Still, here's a list of the crushes I used to have as a pre-teen. Don't judge - I know you had them too :P


JTT remained on my bedroom walls for YEARS. That is, until I got mad at him because he never replied to the fan-mail I sent him. I counted down in my diary the days it had been since I sent him that letter... hoping that one day he would respond. Unfortunately after day 182 I gave up and stopped watching Home Improvement altogether. Asshole.


Mr. Jean Luc Picard himself. His booming voice. His unquestionable authority. His insistence that there are not three, but in fact FOUR LIGHTS!!! made me weak in the knees. Make it so, captain. And he did for me! I thought this man was the bees knees. (Please ignore the fact that he was like 50 years older than me... in space age doesn't matter... or... something... XP)


Commander William Riker aka "Number one." That dark mane of hair. That perfectly maintained beard. Who could resist THIS piece of man meat? Certainly not me OR the many ladies of the Enterprise!


In the early 90's I'd certainly let Mr. Gruber get to third base with me ;) ;) ;) He was like Uncle Joey from Full House, but way cooler.


Zack Morris was the cool, bad-ass type of guy that your mother would hate for you to date - which is why every teen girl in the 90s had a poster of him on their bedroom wall (me included.) Oh and AC Slater wasn't too shabby either.


The white power ranger was the sexiest power ranger. I don't care if this guy is a super quadruple x porn star now, back then he was the shizzniz.


I friggen' hate this man now, but back when I was small I watched Mr. Baseball about a dozen times because this man's moustache amazed me to no end. 


This abomination was my favourite Back Street Boy. I didn't care that he was five foot nothing and had an effeminate voice. He really needed to quit playin' games with MY heart.


This street rat was pretty rad in my books. It helped that he sang pretty darn good. Oh, and he had a pet monkey so that's just like 10000 bonus points.


Prince Eric from the Little Mermaid was freakin' amazeballs. I don't know what young girl didn't grow up dreaming to marry this prince when they grew legs and completely lost their voice. It's a small price to pay.


Mr. Conductor from Shining Time Station was magical and sexy, albeit tiny as hell and often unreliable. I fancied the Ringo Starr Conductor better than his replacement, George Carlin (who was still cool, just not AS cool as Ringo).


Kirk Cameron in Growing Pains was so witty and silly and fun to watch. Then he grew up and became a crazy Christian evangelist and began spewing some right wing ideologies that made me believe he was a few french fries short of a Happy Meal.


Oh, Mr. Darcy fell into a pool and I began to drool. Colin Firth is the sexiest Mr. Darcy of all time and you cannot convince me otherwise. EVER.


Sure, he's just a cartoon character from Sailor Moon, but Tuxedo Mask was freakin' sexy as hell. I mean, the man's power was that he threw ROSES at enemies. ROSES! How much more romantic can you get?!


Okay, I admit this was a late 90's crush, but c'mon... Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer is one of the best vampires EVER. He's got the whole bad boy (but with a soul) thing going for him. PLUS he doesn't get all gay and sparkle and shimmer in the light. That's friggen lame. Stephenie Meyer ruined vampires for everyone.


I know a lot of people preferred Dylan over Branden on 90210, but I always had a soft spot for this guy. He could have taken me to the Peach Pit any day ;) ;) ;) (I'm so lame.)


I met Jamie Walters (he had the "hit" song "Hold On" back in the day) at a signing at my local mall. I waited for like 3 damn hours to shake this dude's hand. It wasn't worth it. He was really sweaty and gross in person. /dreamsruined.


Pacey > Dawson. Dawson was a whiney, cry-baby bitch and Pacey was the guy that could make any girl laugh. Also, his extensive vocabulary, despite nearly dropping out of every high school class was not only impressive, but also a huge turn on.


Ma$e was cool because before there was Ke$ha thinking she was all original by using a dollar sign in her name, Ma$e was doing it first. His picture resided in my locker for about a year. Mo' Money Mo' Problems, dawg.


What is sexier than a man(?) whose sole mission is to clean up the environment and save the earth? Captain Planet was environmentally sexy.


I hated science as a kid. But Bill Nye the Science Guy made science FUN. And any guy that can make science fun for me is a guy I wanna keep around.


This uncle can do no wrong. He sings, he dances, and he does it all without having a mullet hair out of place.


Don't ask. 

- Jennie


  1. You know, I think I'm still trying to figure it out. Maybe it has something to do with the trunk? Oh gosh, I just grossed MYSELF out. XP